New Media Alliance - Frank Hyland

by Frank Hyland

“Gross” Receipts

Day after day on virtually every media outlet, including – interestingly – sources such as National Public Radio (NPR), the drumbeat continues on the amount of money that the latest Hollywood “smash” hit (whatever that means) took in this week or this weekend. This week’s winner is, of course, the new movie about the comic book superhero Batman. That the yardstick of gross receipts measures a show’s popularity, no argument here. And this is a (relatively) free country, so advertising is allowed. That the yardstick of gross receipts measures quality, though, is where I part company with Hollywood and I hope you do as well.

I say that for a disturbing reason: Into what now passes as the “news” coverage has crept a yardstick that apparently presupposes that political races are identical to Hollywood movies. This past week, for example, we were “treated” to the news that the campaign for President of Senator Obama had taken in 52 million dollars, almost enough money to fill the gas tanks of Al Gore’s entourage. By itself, that would seem to be somewhat of interest, I suppose. In the context of seemingly endless reporting of the gross receipts of Hollywood movies, however, I would hope that you are feeling as insulted as I am on reading that figure. What the Main Line Tedium outlets (including NPR) are attempting to do is to present the gross receipts of Senator Obama as being a measure of his competence and his readiness to assume the most difficult job in the world (next to parenthood, that is). That makes Obama’s gross receipts even more “gross” in my opinion. It is even worse when we are told that Senator McCain took in “only” an amount (less than Obama). The fact that some number of people sent in that amount of money is not the same as saying that Obama is that good, or that he’s better than John McCain because McCain took in less money than Obama. That is, however, what is implicit in that kind of news coverage.

We have endured a seemingly endless campaign for President this time around, one that began last year and stretched and struggled its way to a “Finish Line” that is actually not here yet, pending the coronations still to come. Now, to add to that agony the weekly toting up of campaign receipts as if they tell us how a candidate will fare against issues such as Iran’s nuclear program is patently absurd. The implicit message in the so-called news coverage is that, because Obama took in more more money last week than McCain, we should elect him to the chair that will confront Iran, and that is an intolerable insult to your intelligence…..even if you like the Batman movie.

By Frank Hyland

Picture This!

You sit down at the Breakfast table with your Cuppa, your Bagel, and your morning newspaper. After a sip and a bite, you unfold the paper to discover that…..there’s nothing but headlines. Hungry for last night’s sports scores or the latest gossip or your fill of the World Roundup or the status of the levee breaks in the Midwest, you frantically turn page after page, looking for the text that is supposed to accompany the headlines and that has been there always in the past. But you look in vain on page after page. All the way to the back – Page 26 – it’s headlines only. You’re left with an empty feeling, a hungry feeling, wanting more and feeling let down that the newspaper’s publisher has cheated you out of something they owe you in return for your subscription money. Fair is fair! You’ve done your part – you paid for it; you have every right to expect that the newspaper will do its part, don’t you?

Now – Picture This – You are channel surfing and you see on the Careless News Network a familiar face and he’s being interviewed about his plans for America when he becomes President. You watch his facial expressions. You listen intently to his words. The interview ends. You pause, thinking…..something….. It then hits you like a Two by Four, square between the eyes – There was nothing but headlines! Hoping that you would get more substance, you log in to his campaign website. You watch; you listen; forewarned by your experience and your reaction to the earlier interview, you shake your head in disbelief.

He said: “…..learn more about our movement for change…..”
You wondered: Huh? Change? From what? To what?

He said: “…..we’re coming together because we believe in what this country can be…..”
You wondered: Huh? Just what is it that you think this country can be? Why didn’t you say what you think it can be? Why didn’t you tell me?

He said: “…..in the face of war, we believe there can be peace.”
You thought: In the face of planes being flown into the World Trade Center, you believe there can be peace while Osama bin Laden continues to rally his troops? Why didn’t you tell me your definition of “peace,” Senator? Is it the peace of the hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqi people who lie “peacefully” in mass graves? Is it the “peace” of innocent Israeli children who must flee to their basements to avoid rockets fired at them by HAMAS?

He said: “…..in the face of despair, we believe there can be hope…..
You wondered: Who, exactly, is despairing? Why are they despairing? Do you have a “One-Size-Fits-All” solution for despair? And – hope for what, Senator? Help? What kind or kinds of help? To help them do what?

He said: “…..in the face of a politics that’s…..shut us out for so long, we believe we can be one people.”
You wondered: Huh? My mailbox and the mailboxes of family, friends, and neighbors are filled with requests for our participation, our involvement. Anyone who is still feeling shut out must be living on another planet, Senator. So who, exactly, is “Us,” Senator?

He said: “…..reaching for what’s possible…..”
You thought: What? Run that by me again, Senator, and this time fill in the blanks, please. What’s possible? What’s possible to do what?

He said: “…..please join us in changing the country…..”
You wondered: Changing the country? From what? To what? Why? At what cost? And then?

But then and there, the clip ends. You can view it (over and over if you wish, as you “hope” for more information to fill in the blanks you feel) at my.barackobama.com . I must warn you in advance, though, that you will be able to squeeze precious little more substance out of it than you read above. If you do, I and the other Staff Writers here at New Media Alliance would love to hear from you.

Finally, you said to yourself, “We may be a Soundbite Nation, Senator, but I am not a Soundbite Citizen. You owe me more than headlines!

by Frank Hyland

This is a Fake News International (FNI) World Roundup. We begin our pretentious-looking coverage today in the United States, in order to boost our ratings and hoist our bottom line. FNI is the only “news” service that will tell you honestly that our most important goal is our highest income and profit level.

Hillary Bows Out – (FNI) The announcement by US Senator Hillary Clinton that she is suspending her campaign for President is viewed with a smidgen of skepticism in a number of quarters. Seasoned observers of the Clintons point out to FNI that saying one thing and meaning or doing quite another is not unprecedented for one or another of the couple. Some of the more skeptical claim that we just may not have seen the last of the Senator and that this signals the beginning of the 2012 campaign.

Just When Ya Think – The Judges of the 9th Circuit of the US Court of Appeals are known far and wide….for being far and wide of the mark when it comes to interpreting the US Constitution. Their decisions have contributed to the great majority of the head scratching taking place in the US in the last century. A new distinction has now occurred: Judge Alex Kozinski of the 9th Circuit has suspended an obscenity trial that included charges of selling movies depicting bestiality and extreme fetishes involving feces and urination. Why did the judge stop the trial, you might ask? It happened after the judge’s personal website was found to contain material such as: A video of a man cavorting with a sexually aroused farm animal, and a picture of nude women on all fours painted to look like cows. The intrepid staff of FNI continues to pursue rumors that, as opposed to a verdict of Guilty or Not Guilty, the judge plans to hand down a verdict of “Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah, Takes One to Know One.” Stay tuned.

Don’t Touch That! – In addition to heeding the age-old sage advice to not eat yellow snow, FNI has learned, you should now avoid Tomatoes (or is it Tomatos?). While the investigation is still continuing and final results are not yet in, that has never stopped us in the Media from speculating before and will not in this instance. We note that a spokesman for Mexico’s Cabinet-level Department of Horse Manure commented that Mexican Tomatoes (not to be confused with Mexican Tamales) had been “unfairly” tainted, leaving us to wonder how someone can be fairly tainted. A number of US producers and sellers of foodstuffs are much more concerned since a 2006 outbreak caused by E. coli killed three people. The outbreak is said to have “shaken” consumer confidence in green leafy vegetables as well as reducing their confidence in Democrat candidates for the nomination for President.

If it Bleeds – FNI, being no stranger to the Media wars and the hunt for cash, notes that George Chandler of Shawnee, Kansas, failed to realize that a two-and-a-half nail was protruding from his skull until it was pointed out to him by one of his “Bubbas.” George and his friend, Phil, were using a nail gun (key word: Gun), when the hose became tangled and the nail gun discharged. After failing at first to locate the nail, the ever-alert Phil spotted it. If you should ever have a choice of which hospital to go to when injured, you should know that an Emergency Room Physician there initially tried to remove George’s nail with a pair of pliers. When that failed, he fell back on the use of a claw hammer borrowed from a hospital worker, then sent George home with a few stitches. FNI continues to pursue rumors that George felt no pain because of an ongoing romance (Not with Phil).

Sergei, Sergei – For those who wonder what wealthy guys do with their money, Sergei Brin, one of the founders of Google, reliably estimated to be a billionaire, has announced that he will journey into space aboard a Russian Soyuz vehicle in 2011. There is no information available at this time as to whether, in his negotiations with the Russians, it was determined to be a roundtrip or not.

This Bud’s for Eeewwwwwwwwwwww! – Belgian beer brewer InBev has made an unsolicited bid to buy the Anheuser-Busch brewer, headquartered in St. Louis, Missouri. The offer has outraged millions across the nation, equaling the explosive reaction to an Arab nation’s bid to run US ports. The reason? Try, if you will, to imagine several Bubbas from the Local Hell’s Devils Motorcycle Club descending on their favorite watering hole for a “Bud Light” and being asked, “…and would you prefer the Raspberry Bud Light or the Stella Artois Bud Light?”

But It’s Okay to Pick Your Nose – The People’s Republic of China has issued a list of some 57 No-Nos on prohibited behavior at the upcoming Olympics. True to the spirit of the Olmpics – “One World, One Dream” – no one with a “mental disease” will be allowed in; no one may go to Tibet; no “insulting” slogans are permitted; no religious banners; no disturbing the public order; no materials that are harmful to China’s culture and morals. Oh, and sleeping outdoors is banned because it harms the “cultured” image of the cities. You must register with the authorities within 72 hours and undercover agents will be dressed as Olympics volunteers. Except for those conditions, go and have a great time.

Giddy Up! – In what was perhaps a sign that he was in the wrong profession, Todd Barnes of Boynton Beach, Florida, has been accused of attempting to steal a 21,600-pound Forklift in broad daylight, then trying to use it to make his getaway at speeds in excess of four miles per hour. The Forklift, which dwarfed other vehicles in the area, was pulled over by local police officers less than a mile from the site at which he was accused of stealing it. In a signal that local authorities are serious about such thefts, among the charges levied were “trespassing” and “driving with a suspended license.” Way to go! These crime waves need to be nipped the bud.

Not I! – (NFI) Dateline Capitol Hill – Two members of the US House of Representatives, Rep. Frank Wolf and Rep. Christopher Smith, have alleged that their computer systems were “hacked” into and that the culprits are none other than the hosts of the 2008 Olympics – The People’s Republic of China. Rep. Wolf said the computers that were targeted contained sensitive information about human rights in China. Beijing did agree that US suspicions were somewhat well founded, when chunks of what was later identified as Lo Mein Chicken were discovered oozing from keyboards on Capitol Hill. Foreign Ministry Spokesman Hu Dah Hell denied emphatically, however, that Beijing had ever “hacked” anything…………… at any time………anywhere…………..of anyone’s…………for any reason…………

I Didn’t Say That! – The campaign of US Senator Barack Obama has announced the creation of a website aimed at dispelling rumors that continue to circulate about the Senator. The website, at www.fightthesmears.com, seeks to quell such rumors as whether the Senator was sworn in on a Koran rather than a Bible, whether he was raised as a Muslim, and whether or not Mrs. Obama has ever used the term “Whitey” as alleged by so-called rightwing commentators. It is interesting to your humble observer that, in imitating many other professional Illusionists ("Watch this hand over here, Ladies and Gentlemen"), the site fails to make any mention that Senator Obama has plans for massive income redistribution legislation, tax increases, and has announced his willingness to meet with such figures as Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad without any preconditions. Maybe those aren’t just rumors…… FNI has learned exclusively that the campaign’s staff is referring all inquiries to the Chinese Ministry of Information’s spokesman, Hu Dah Hell.

by Frank Hyland

More-More-More – America has long been a nation that rewards hard work and rewards, as well, those adults who help our youth on their way. As always, there are exceptions, and Clyde Scott of Houma, Louisiana, is one of them. Clyde is a Barber, an honorable profession. Clyde got in trouble with the law, though, when he opened his shop on May 19th to “spruce up” some local youths before their upcoming graduation ceremony. In an era in which there is widespread disrespect for the law and an epidemic of Murder and Robbery, it is comforting to discover that there is a law in Louisiana that prohibits such law-breaking activities as Barbering on Mondays and that vigilant Police officers are on duty. There is, apparently, one person in the area whose head is on straight: The DA, Joe Waitz, has declared that his office will not prosecute Mr. Scott, because “it’s our job to prosecute criminals, not Barbers.” A round for Mr. Waitz, on me.

Mystery Solved – For those of you who have been wondering about the cause of earthquakes, ponder no more. Undoubtedly, this finding will be endorsed by others such as the UN Commission on Climate Change as well as Al Gore and 19,316 Pseudo-Scientists. What finding? No less an expert than actress Sharon Stone has declared that the cause of the May 12th earthquake in China’s Sechuan Province was Bad Karma resulting from China’s treatment of Tibet and Tibetans. If a Follywood star says it, it must be true.

We Have a Winner! – As most of you know, “Bites” has been running a Headline of the Month contest…..all month. Although May is not yet over, we have declared a winner: “U.S. Tourist Drugged, Robbed, Killed by Train in Rome.” Any of you contemplating a trip to Rome in the near future, stay away from dem trains.

Say It Ain’t So! – If you can’t believe Dr. Mohamed al-Baradei, the Egyptian who heads the UN’s International Atomic Energy Agency (and who moonlights as an Iranian apologist), who can you believe? The IAEA has said that Iran “may” be withholding information needed by the IAEA that it needs to decide conclusively whether Iran has tried to make nuclear arms. I, for one, am astonished and I’m certain you are as well, Dear Readers. Astonished, that is, that anyone is left who thinks Iran “may” be withholding information. This past month, Patagonia, Berserkistan, and the town of East Elephant Breath, Taxachusetts, said that they had become convinced of Iran’s duplicity.

Take A Look Around – The Mars Lander has completed its first full day on the surface of – of all places – Mars. At the request of the National Association of Realtors, among the initial experiments will be a survey of the area to determine the present rates of New Home sales and foreclosures. Stay tuned for further word.

Long May It Wave – Next time you’re in the area of Clermont, Florida, and have the need to feel pride in your country, drop by and see Jimmie Watkins. You should hurry, though, because Jimmie’s neighborhood association has told him that he must take down his American Flag that he flies in his front yard. In fact, the association has threatened Jimmie with legal action if he does not comply. The fact that surrounding communities have no prohibition against flying the colors and the fact that Florida State law supports flying the colors as long as it is in a “respectful” manner and can be lowered, seems not to matter to the community of Sussex. I mention the name of the community in case any of you are house hunting.

A Glimmer of ………… – Well, not so fast there. I know that some of you have been questioning whether Senator Obama is clueless. Others of you have theorize that he is a slick politician (Yes, I know the term is redundant). Seeking to prove to you his intelligence, Sen. O. said on May 24th – the beginning of the summer driving season – that fuel prices will cause Americans to change the kinds of cars they drive. Brilliant, huh? While that fact was already known to all of you as well as to a retarded Amoeba in Vermont, it is good to know that at least one politician grasps it. To prove his credentials as Just One of Us, Sen. O. went on to say that he and his wife – Michelle the Proud – own a hybrid vehicle. Of course, the fact that they travel in limousines nowadays after arriving in private jets that consume more fuel in a trip than you do in a year, should not enter into the picture………………should it? So the Jury is still out.

by Frank Hyland

I Can’t Take it!

At first, some might scratch their heads; a few might even disagree that the pressure’s on in our society. Whether it’s Follywood, Major League sports, Politics or a host of other lines of work, there are signs of pressure everywhere. The phrase “Going Postal” is used so often that it has become a somewhat trite expression. Drugs, speeding, drinking, three-thousand-dollar Call Girls, and on and on. The Mainstream Tedium love it, of course, because it’s so “easy” and cheap for them. They feast on the releases put out by Publicists, stick a headline on them, and BAM! – There’s your Evening News program. And they get a steady supply of such announcements. Hardly a week goes by without yet another story of yet another “personality” entering Rehab. British singer Amy Winehouse took that to a new level recently by incorporating “goin’ to rehab” into a song…..how cute.

Depending on where you get your “news,” it can easily appear that we all live in a pressure cooker 24/7. Well, actually that’s true. What doesn’t come through in what SCARE-ME TV feeds us, though, is how many folks don’t succumb to the pressure. You’re familiar, I’m sure, with the Unemployment Statistics. Almost nightly, we’re told that the Un-employment rate is estimated to rise, is rising, has risen, rose last month, etc. Now, we’re said to be “up” to a 5% Unemployment Rate. Depending on whether you’re a “Half Full” or “Half Empty” type of person when it comes to the half glass of water, you either cringe or you shout back at the deliverer of the drivel – “That’s 95% Employed, you jerk!”

Why – I hope you’ll ask yourself, your family, your friends and neighbors – does the media express things that way? You already know the answer: It sells commercials. At some point, though, you should feel so insulted at being treated like some brain-dead creature who is there only to watch commercials and buy the stuff they advertise. You’re not reading this from your room in a rehab facility, so why be treated as if you are? Also, when the so-called personalities no longer see similar stories on the news, the odds are that they’ll stop drinking and driving just ahead of the Paparazzi.

The actions of a few are reprehensible, it’s true. It is also true that they are, in fact, “The Few.” The next time that you see a story on an alleged news program that mentions rehab, drinking, drugs, or any other such behavior, hit the remote and don’t watch the commercials that follow it either. Better yet, tell your TV station what you’ve done. You actually have the power to put pressure on the media, believe it or not. If you don’t buy the “stuff” they advertise, they don’t advertise. If they don’t advertise, they’re off the air. Good riddance.