by Frank Hyland

More-More-More – America has long been a nation that rewards hard work and rewards, as well, those adults who help our youth on their way. As always, there are exceptions, and Clyde Scott of Houma, Louisiana, is one of them. Clyde is a Barber, an honorable profession. Clyde got in trouble with the law, though, when he opened his shop on May 19th to “spruce up” some local youths before their upcoming graduation ceremony. In an era in which there is widespread disrespect for the law and an epidemic of Murder and Robbery, it is comforting to discover that there is a law in Louisiana that prohibits such law-breaking activities as Barbering on Mondays and that vigilant Police officers are on duty. There is, apparently, one person in the area whose head is on straight: The DA, Joe Waitz, has declared that his office will not prosecute Mr. Scott, because “it’s our job to prosecute criminals, not Barbers.” A round for Mr. Waitz, on me.

Mystery Solved – For those of you who have been wondering about the cause of earthquakes, ponder no more. Undoubtedly, this finding will be endorsed by others such as the UN Commission on Climate Change as well as Al Gore and 19,316 Pseudo-Scientists. What finding? No less an expert than actress Sharon Stone has declared that the cause of the May 12th earthquake in China’s Sechuan Province was Bad Karma resulting from China’s treatment of Tibet and Tibetans. If a Follywood star says it, it must be true.

We Have a Winner! – As most of you know, “Bites” has been running a Headline of the Month contest…..all month. Although May is not yet over, we have declared a winner: “U.S. Tourist Drugged, Robbed, Killed by Train in Rome.” Any of you contemplating a trip to Rome in the near future, stay away from dem trains.

Say It Ain’t So! – If you can’t believe Dr. Mohamed al-Baradei, the Egyptian who heads the UN’s International Atomic Energy Agency (and who moonlights as an Iranian apologist), who can you believe? The IAEA has said that Iran “may” be withholding information needed by the IAEA that it needs to decide conclusively whether Iran has tried to make nuclear arms. I, for one, am astonished and I’m certain you are as well, Dear Readers. Astonished, that is, that anyone is left who thinks Iran “may” be withholding information. This past month, Patagonia, Berserkistan, and the town of East Elephant Breath, Taxachusetts, said that they had become convinced of Iran’s duplicity.

Take A Look Around – The Mars Lander has completed its first full day on the surface of – of all places – Mars. At the request of the National Association of Realtors, among the initial experiments will be a survey of the area to determine the present rates of New Home sales and foreclosures. Stay tuned for further word.

Long May It Wave – Next time you’re in the area of Clermont, Florida, and have the need to feel pride in your country, drop by and see Jimmie Watkins. You should hurry, though, because Jimmie’s neighborhood association has told him that he must take down his American Flag that he flies in his front yard. In fact, the association has threatened Jimmie with legal action if he does not comply. The fact that surrounding communities have no prohibition against flying the colors and the fact that Florida State law supports flying the colors as long as it is in a “respectful” manner and can be lowered, seems not to matter to the community of Sussex. I mention the name of the community in case any of you are house hunting.

A Glimmer of ………… – Well, not so fast there. I know that some of you have been questioning whether Senator Obama is clueless. Others of you have theorize that he is a slick politician (Yes, I know the term is redundant). Seeking to prove to you his intelligence, Sen. O. said on May 24th – the beginning of the summer driving season – that fuel prices will cause Americans to change the kinds of cars they drive. Brilliant, huh? While that fact was already known to all of you as well as to a retarded Amoeba in Vermont, it is good to know that at least one politician grasps it. To prove his credentials as Just One of Us, Sen. O. went on to say that he and his wife – Michelle the Proud – own a hybrid vehicle. Of course, the fact that they travel in limousines nowadays after arriving in private jets that consume more fuel in a trip than you do in a year, should not enter into the picture………………should it? So the Jury is still out.