by Frank Hyland

This is a Fake News International (FNI) World Roundup. We begin our pretentious-looking coverage today in the United States, in order to boost our ratings and hoist our bottom line. FNI is the only “news” service that will tell you honestly that our most important goal is our highest income and profit level.

Hillary Bows Out – (FNI) The announcement by US Senator Hillary Clinton that she is suspending her campaign for President is viewed with a smidgen of skepticism in a number of quarters. Seasoned observers of the Clintons point out to FNI that saying one thing and meaning or doing quite another is not unprecedented for one or another of the couple. Some of the more skeptical claim that we just may not have seen the last of the Senator and that this signals the beginning of the 2012 campaign.

Just When Ya Think – The Judges of the 9th Circuit of the US Court of Appeals are known far and wide….for being far and wide of the mark when it comes to interpreting the US Constitution. Their decisions have contributed to the great majority of the head scratching taking place in the US in the last century. A new distinction has now occurred: Judge Alex Kozinski of the 9th Circuit has suspended an obscenity trial that included charges of selling movies depicting bestiality and extreme fetishes involving feces and urination. Why did the judge stop the trial, you might ask? It happened after the judge’s personal website was found to contain material such as: A video of a man cavorting with a sexually aroused farm animal, and a picture of nude women on all fours painted to look like cows. The intrepid staff of FNI continues to pursue rumors that, as opposed to a verdict of Guilty or Not Guilty, the judge plans to hand down a verdict of “Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah, Takes One to Know One.” Stay tuned.

Don’t Touch That! – In addition to heeding the age-old sage advice to not eat yellow snow, FNI has learned, you should now avoid Tomatoes (or is it Tomatos?). While the investigation is still continuing and final results are not yet in, that has never stopped us in the Media from speculating before and will not in this instance. We note that a spokesman for Mexico’s Cabinet-level Department of Horse Manure commented that Mexican Tomatoes (not to be confused with Mexican Tamales) had been “unfairly” tainted, leaving us to wonder how someone can be fairly tainted. A number of US producers and sellers of foodstuffs are much more concerned since a 2006 outbreak caused by E. coli killed three people. The outbreak is said to have “shaken” consumer confidence in green leafy vegetables as well as reducing their confidence in Democrat candidates for the nomination for President.

If it Bleeds – FNI, being no stranger to the Media wars and the hunt for cash, notes that George Chandler of Shawnee, Kansas, failed to realize that a two-and-a-half nail was protruding from his skull until it was pointed out to him by one of his “Bubbas.” George and his friend, Phil, were using a nail gun (key word: Gun), when the hose became tangled and the nail gun discharged. After failing at first to locate the nail, the ever-alert Phil spotted it. If you should ever have a choice of which hospital to go to when injured, you should know that an Emergency Room Physician there initially tried to remove George’s nail with a pair of pliers. When that failed, he fell back on the use of a claw hammer borrowed from a hospital worker, then sent George home with a few stitches. FNI continues to pursue rumors that George felt no pain because of an ongoing romance (Not with Phil).

Sergei, Sergei – For those who wonder what wealthy guys do with their money, Sergei Brin, one of the founders of Google, reliably estimated to be a billionaire, has announced that he will journey into space aboard a Russian Soyuz vehicle in 2011. There is no information available at this time as to whether, in his negotiations with the Russians, it was determined to be a roundtrip or not.

This Bud’s for Eeewwwwwwwwwwww! – Belgian beer brewer InBev has made an unsolicited bid to buy the Anheuser-Busch brewer, headquartered in St. Louis, Missouri. The offer has outraged millions across the nation, equaling the explosive reaction to an Arab nation’s bid to run US ports. The reason? Try, if you will, to imagine several Bubbas from the Local Hell’s Devils Motorcycle Club descending on their favorite watering hole for a “Bud Light” and being asked, “…and would you prefer the Raspberry Bud Light or the Stella Artois Bud Light?”

But It’s Okay to Pick Your Nose – The People’s Republic of China has issued a list of some 57 No-Nos on prohibited behavior at the upcoming Olympics. True to the spirit of the Olmpics – “One World, One Dream” – no one with a “mental disease” will be allowed in; no one may go to Tibet; no “insulting” slogans are permitted; no religious banners; no disturbing the public order; no materials that are harmful to China’s culture and morals. Oh, and sleeping outdoors is banned because it harms the “cultured” image of the cities. You must register with the authorities within 72 hours and undercover agents will be dressed as Olympics volunteers. Except for those conditions, go and have a great time.

Giddy Up! – In what was perhaps a sign that he was in the wrong profession, Todd Barnes of Boynton Beach, Florida, has been accused of attempting to steal a 21,600-pound Forklift in broad daylight, then trying to use it to make his getaway at speeds in excess of four miles per hour. The Forklift, which dwarfed other vehicles in the area, was pulled over by local police officers less than a mile from the site at which he was accused of stealing it. In a signal that local authorities are serious about such thefts, among the charges levied were “trespassing” and “driving with a suspended license.” Way to go! These crime waves need to be nipped the bud.

Not I! – (NFI) Dateline Capitol Hill – Two members of the US House of Representatives, Rep. Frank Wolf and Rep. Christopher Smith, have alleged that their computer systems were “hacked” into and that the culprits are none other than the hosts of the 2008 Olympics – The People’s Republic of China. Rep. Wolf said the computers that were targeted contained sensitive information about human rights in China. Beijing did agree that US suspicions were somewhat well founded, when chunks of what was later identified as Lo Mein Chicken were discovered oozing from keyboards on Capitol Hill. Foreign Ministry Spokesman Hu Dah Hell denied emphatically, however, that Beijing had ever “hacked” anything…………… at any time………anywhere…………..of anyone’s…………for any reason…………

I Didn’t Say That! – The campaign of US Senator Barack Obama has announced the creation of a website aimed at dispelling rumors that continue to circulate about the Senator. The website, at www.fightthesmears.com, seeks to quell such rumors as whether the Senator was sworn in on a Koran rather than a Bible, whether he was raised as a Muslim, and whether or not Mrs. Obama has ever used the term “Whitey” as alleged by so-called rightwing commentators. It is interesting to your humble observer that, in imitating many other professional Illusionists ("Watch this hand over here, Ladies and Gentlemen"), the site fails to make any mention that Senator Obama has plans for massive income redistribution legislation, tax increases, and has announced his willingness to meet with such figures as Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad without any preconditions. Maybe those aren’t just rumors…… FNI has learned exclusively that the campaign’s staff is referring all inquiries to the Chinese Ministry of Information’s spokesman, Hu Dah Hell.